..my little boy..

my dear sweet finn,

oh my heavens, my dearest boy.....where to even begin?? as the days draw nearer when you will become a big brother, i find myself mourning the loss of you as my baby. don't get me wrong, i am so sooo excited to meet your little brother, and to add another precious boy to our family, but part of me feels guilty for taking away your "babyhood" so soon. in so many ways you are still a baby to me. a sweet, perfect, innocent, tiny baby. but then i look at pictures of you, and as i watch you throughout the day i can't help but realize you have become a little boy! you have such a distinct, darling personality. you are beginning to exert your independence (in more ways than one!). you are so smart, and bright, and in so many respects you aren't, in fact, a baby. you are a little boy.

as i think back to the days before you were born, i remember writing a post similar to this one about your big brothers. i was so beyond thrilled to meet you, and to have you in my arms rather than in my belly, but part of me felt so guilty about what your arrival would do to your big brothers. i remember crying hysterically about it quite often, and dad would always laugh and roll his eyes and say, "everything will be fine. duke and claus will love you just as much as they do now." and guess what?? dad was right! as much as our lives all changed when you got here, my love for duke and claus only grew. so i guess i'm not so much worried about what will happen with my love for you when sam gets here, i know i will always love you completely and unconditionally. but i am worried about what will happen with your love for me. :(

i know you are bound to have moments of jealousy, that is totally normal and to be expected. i know it is likely you will prefer dad over me for a while...but let's be honest, i'm used to that! ;) i know that as much as you'll grow to love your little brother, there will be times when you probably hit him and aren't so gentle with him and just want it to be me and you. i hope we can find a way to make it through the hard times, because there is no greater gift your dad and i can give to you than a little brother. i hope you two will grow to be the best of friends.

as scared as i am to see how you'll react to baby sam, your reaction is also one of the things i am most excited for. i so look forward to seeing you for the first time when you come visit us in the hospital, and i hope you'll at least indulge us for a few photos. i have a feeling they will be priceless. we have scheduled a date to be induced - october 11th. but i hope sammy comes before then, because i fear that i will have an emotional breakdown on the 10th as i put you to bed. your last night as an only child. i really don't think i'll be able to handle that! it would be much better for me if i didn't know when sam was going to get here, so let's keep our fingers crossed that he decides to come early! ;)

finn, i just want you to know how much i love you. i could never put the amount into words, and it is something you'll never understand until you have kids of your own. maybe not even then, because you're not a girl! but you have changed my life in so many ways. you make every day better for me, and at times when things are dark and gloomy, all i have to do is take a look at you - you are my light at the end of the tunnel, my rainbow on a rainy day, my knight in shining armor, my love, my life. i don't know how i ever lived without you, and i don't know what i would ever do without you. thank you for changing me....for making me a mommy. for being the sweetest, most handsome, smartest little boy i could ever dream of having. i love you more than you'll ever know.

love,
mom